The Limbo You’ve Always Wanted

From The Electrifying Conclusion, 18 March 1104 hrs

Jalalabad Air Field, Afghanistan. Have been here 14 days. They removed my cast on the ninth. Said nothing of breaking my hand to my parents. Called them last night, Mom said I should keep a journal. Malibu Rum. Spend a lot of time on Japanese. My only active endeavor. Everyone that comes here temporarily on their way home, that is in our Battalion, we all stay in a large tent right next to the runway. It is very often very loud, as now.

Very bright and warm here, having trouble thinking straight. Indecisive. Hard enough the future, but even just what to do right now. I get very sad to see that Michelle can be so happy without me. I guess that’s selfish. hate loud noises and engines. Worried about Japan. What will I do. Will I be disappointed. Feels good to have my hand back.

I still have to fight this feeling of meaninglessness. I cannot compete against 7 Billion multiplied by the ages of man. Nothing that any of us does really matters. Lost in the crowd. No one wants to listen to stories. It’s hard to keep a whole life to yourself. What is there for us, then? We are free in the anonymity of history. God, it feels good to write with a pen again.

Cigarettes don’t last long enough. But they give me a dizzy feeling. Took 2 Flexoral and 2 Benadryl last night to no effect. Stayed up till 0100 reading about the history of Kanji. Can I even make my own life into what I want it to be? While we are here, I am not often alone. I have people to eat with. To chat with, but no one to talk to. I am afraid of going back. I do not want to be alone. I don’t want to eat alone.

Watashi wa kekkon tomodachi ga irimasu.

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